8 1/2: Damn You Hipsters! (Richmond, VA)

Someone once called me a Hipster. I was grossly offended. Let’s get this out of the way right now, I am not cool enough to be a hipster. Also, I don’t go out of my way to dress in ridiculous get ups and then walk around acting like I’m not dressed like a 1930’s clown. I do own a bike, but it is not a one speed, nor is it actually a unicycle that I sashay around in with a pompous look in my eye. There are so many hipsters in Richmond. They crowd the streets with their bikes and fill our restaurants while wearing ragged t-shirts they bought for $60. Not only are they dining at these places, but they are running some places here. There are a few good ones around actually, where the “too cool for you” attitude is just barely tolerable. There is one place where their hipster ways are too much to handle, where it ends up not mattering how good the food is. This is 8 1/2.

8 1/2 is in the Fan area of Richmond, which to begin with is hipster ground zero, but even so, 8 1/2 stands alone. The place is named after an old Italian film. Right off the bat that pisses me off. Before you even walk in its like their saying, “it’s like the best movie of all time, you’ve probably never heard of it”. At least the Italian reference makes sense, as the cuisine is Italian. And let me make myself clear: 8 1/2’s food is great. Everything I’ve had their has been amazing. Their vegetable lasagna is a heaping portion of cheesy spinachy goodness. Their pizzas are the cracker thin crust variety with various toppings. The white pizza is great, with a savory combination of cheeses. Their desserts are also good, with cannolis and tiramisu being the stand outs.

The food is great. But I’m giving this place 3 eggs. Why? Because I just can’t take their shit anymore. Let me tell you a typical 8 1/2 experience. You can call them to place an order. They mumble at you, I ask them to speak up. You will then hear a pronounced huff, then they will shout it at you, like you are an idiot. They will then tell you a time for you to pick it up. When you arrive, they will tell you to wait longer. While you stand in the front, you can look at some Italian groceries they stock, and look at the tv always playing various DVDs. That tv isn’t for you by the way, it’s for the employees. They will be watching it. All of the greasy sweat stained shirt employees will be watching the movie. After standing for 40 minutes, you ask them whats the deal. They will again huff at you, and roll their eyes and lean around the counter to look, and mumble something back at you. When you do actually get your food, they treat it like they are doing you a favor. Once the cashier said, “here” and pushed the bag of food to me and tossed my credit card back at me. He then walked to the back immediately.

It’s hard to explain, but their attitude is so too cool for school. That it borders on hostile. It’s also like they were trained to all act like arrogant 15 year olds. Everything they do is a favor for you and any requirement is met with grumbling. Their food is good, great even. But I just can’t go in there anymore, every time I feel like I’m begging for service. Their “fuck you” attitude has made me never want to go in there again. That being said, the place is carry out, so if you go pick it up, I’ll pay you back…

S@mple: Fl@vorless (Richmond, VA)

Recently, it has been brought to my attention that I lack a certain level of written elequence. Apparently calling things “tasty” over and over again is not sufficient in explaining dining experiences. Is that not enough? When you go out to eat with someone, and you ask them “how was it?”, do you really want them droning on at length about the exacting details of of the meal? I know I don’t. I say, look, just tell me if it was shitty or not. Apparently this just isn’t good enough. So, I will attempt to explain dining experiences in a more thorough and clever manner. I considered writing the following review in iambic pentameter. I decided against it however when I was able to determine that I have no idea what iambic pentameter actually is. So I will just try to make this review as smart and intelligent as absolutely possible.

S@mple think is so damn cool and shit, and that some bullshit. Wait. That wasn’t clever at all. Give me another chance. I demand another chance! Ok, you can tell I’m pretty worked up. Im worked up because there is a restaurant that uses a “@” instead of an “a”. This angers up my blood more than I can even begin to explain. I can only conceive this “@” being acceptable if this were perhaps an Internet cafe. S@mple is not an Internet cafe, or at least i dont think so. Instead, it is a small plate tapas style place. I recently rambled about “The Peacock’s Pantry”. I’m sure you read it, well over three people did (thanks mom)! I talked about how Peacock’s isn’t cool, but tasted good. S@mple is very much the opposite. This place is so effin’ cool. The food is pretty forgettable. Also, S@mple is too damn confusing. Its technically not an Internet cafe, but they do have iPads and Mac minis around the place. Their website says they also do computer use classes in the back for some reason. This isn’t a coffee shop either, I don’t know what the hell is going on. I tried to write classy, but I’m getting worked up. An attempt at a trendy eatery with bits of tech support thrown in. This reminds me of a BBQ place in Ohio that had a chapel in the back. Unlike the BBQ Church, the food does not make this confusion worth it.

This being a small plates place, I just got a few things to sample the selection. There was fried shrimp with some sauce. It was acceptable. Nothing really past that. The short rib was almost all fat. I know it’s supposed to have a little, but Jeebus. There was a mini burger combo that was decent enough, although the meat was a wee overcooked. To be fair, it wasn’t all flavorless though, the snapper and crab empanadas dishes were tasty. I mostly made the title “fl@vorless” for this post because of how deliciously clever I thought I was at mocking their pretentious name. Even so, the food was not outstanding.

With the so-so food, albeit with a few standouts, S@mple remains too confusing for me. I understand that they are going for something fairly unique with their techie/foodie mix. Call ol’ Chicken Spy old fashioned, but I’m pretty sure this place probably won’t be able to improve on the standard “come here for food” restaurant convention. Still, if I’m low on gas money and need a bite to eat and my laptop serviced, this place would be @cceptable.